the silent voice

Food for Thought

2012-02-14T21:15:00.001-08:00

...and also an excuse to duck out of writing a legitimate post. Win.

http://www.messycanvas.com/2010/12/im-tired-of-being-a-christian/

Eventually I will blog for reals again, maybe. I'm just so done with talking about me, and 18 units has me somewhere close to drowning in homework on most days. But don't worry! I haven't given up yet. So you shouldn't either.

A Year Well Spent?

2012-01-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

So here I am, staring down the inevitable end of break and move back to my home 3,000 miles away from home, and I'm wondering...did I manage to do anything worthwhile during my four and a half weeks of vacation?
It's a fairly depressing question, which means I don't think I want to know the answer. There were so many things I was looking forward to doing when I got home, but while I was here I couldn't remember what all those things were. Now, slowly, they're coming back to me...now that I'm almost completely out of time.
Maybe it doesn't matter that I don't have much besides a pile of presents to show for my Christmas break. Maybe the worth of the activities I chose to devote my time to can't be measured in a tangible way - maybe what counts are the laughs shared with friends and the conversations over food and the moments spent in companionable silence. Maybe it's the time spent reevaluating and refocusing and reconnecting.
Or maybe I wasn't really productive at all.
That possibility makes me think. Hard.
What would a life lived so that every moment counted look like? How does mine compare? What do I need to change?
What would I have done differently in the past year if I was living every second of every day to the fullest?
What should I start doing differently now?
I read once that statistically, New Year's resolutions are doomed to fail. Great, let's just stay stuck in the same old rut then, since we're never going to stay committed to improvement. How defeatist.
I don't want to be a statistic. I want to live in such a manner that I have something to show for this life I've been given - not so that I can flaunt my accomplishments, but so that I don't get to the end of my life and realize how much time I've wasted. What's the point of watching another episode of Bones when I could be spending time with a friend or, better, strengthening my relationship with God? I don't want to doubt the wisdom of the way I spent my time anymore. I want to know that I used what I was given well.
I'm not sure what this looks like practically just yet. It'll be a process - finding new ways to make my time valuable rather than burning away the excess, as I'm so accustomed to doing. It won't be easy, but I'm pretty sure that I'll realize, somewhere down the road, that it was worth it.
So...here goes.

(I know what you're thinking...well that was great, another reflection post. I know. I'm sorry. I don't know why this keeps happening. I hope things will be different in the future.)

(Also, 50th post. Yay.)

In Summary...

2011-12-12T18:24:00.000-08:00

...my first semester of college was fantastic and I have incredibly mixed feelings about going home. You know how when you over-mix two colors of paint, you almost always get a grayish-brown sort of color? Yay for memories of childhood fingerpainting disasters. Anyway, I have no idea where that analogy was going. Moving on.
Basically, I can sum up these past four months in two words: crisis averted. That was sort of my catchphrase. So many things could have gone wrong but didn't, or did go wrong but had little to no negative impact on anything. God is gracious.
I've struggled, I've stayed up too late, I've procrastinated, I've made mistakes. I've made friends, I've gone on crazy, memorable adventures, I've laughed till I cried, I've learned about reconciliation. I've grown and changed and learned a number of new, useful things - like how to splint my broken drying rack and make cookie dough without leaving my room. I've learned to go without a lot of the things that were commonplace at home and I've embraced countless opportunities that I never had in California. I've experienced fathomless joy and heartache, happiness and sorrow, gain and loss.
Through it all, I know that God has been at work in my life and in the lives of those I've grown close to. I prayed that He would teach me to rely on Him during this extended period of time away from home, and He has. He is the same God here as He is in California and He has never left me nor forsaken me, nor will He ever do so in the future.
I'll miss the woods and the ponds and the stars, because it's when I'm standing under the pitch-black night sky, staring at the diamond-bright reflection of the stars in the glass-smooth surface of Gull Pond, that I feel most reassured. When I'm there I cannot doubt that God exists and He has good plans for me that will bring glory to Him. There I know that He is in control, that He sees the bigger, perfect picture even though circumstances seem hopeless from my perspective. But those truths aren't contained to the Gordon woods, and it's this knowledge that I'll seek to carry with me on my trip home.
I'm so incredibly blessed, to be going to college in Massachusetts and to belong in two places now. I can't wait to see my family and friends and crazy monster puppy again. I'll be home for Christmas; you can count on me!

The Late-Night Musings of a Sleep-Deprived College Student

2011-11-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

[first edition.]

"Mercy triumphs over judgment."

Four words with so much meaning. A lifetime of consideration and evaluation compressed into 8 syllables.
Those who judge will be judged; those who are merciful will be shown mercy. How often do I live in the light of this truth? I'd rather believe myself above condemnation, labeling others as I see fit and never stopping to think that in judging them, I am judging myself.
It's human nature to judge people at face value. It's kingdom nature to love and accept them without question. Jesus preached a radical message when He said "love your enemies" and He lived His everyday life according to this command - to such an extreme that He called sinners, the enemies of His perfect holiness, His friends! He knows the deepest, darkest sins and thoughts anyone has ever had. He is intimately acquainted with the depravity of humanity. He sees the depths of our hearts, and He not only loves us unconditionally, He gave Himself up to be crucified by the very people He came to save.
In order to forgive our debt, He had to pay it Himself. And He did, willingly, painfully. What kind of love is this? He didn't just show mercy to the most undeserving of criminals, He took the judgment we deserve on HIMSELF. He was punished, we go free.
Who am I, then, to judge anyone? I, who am equally guilty of death. A sinner in the company of sinners. How dare I think that I have the right to label, write off, or condemn anyone? How dare I think even for a second that I am more deserving of God's love and people's praise, that I got to where I am today by some greatness of my own?
I am nothing but for the grace of God. It is He who formed me, knew me before I was, saved me out of the darkness I didn't know I was in. He called me and worked in my heart so that I would be able to respond. I am here because He knows what is best for me far better than I do.
My pride must be crucified on His cross. He died so that I might be liberated from the burden of my sin; why do I insist on clinging to it so tightly? In Him there is grace and mercy and the fullness of life. In sin there is only misery, condemnation, estrangement from Him and those I love. I pray that I might live in a place where I understand my great and constant need for Him, for His mercy and forgiveness. I want to learn to extend that same grace and mercy to others, for I deserve it no more than they.
And may the good news of the gospel and the grace and freedom it brings be my only theme, all the days of my life.

I am here.

2011-10-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

And here is a very good place to be. It is a place of wonder, awe, and new experiences. Here is where adventures happen and learning takes place. Here is so vastly different from everything I've known before that sometimes I have to remind myself that this is real, this is now, this is happening.
Here is a contradiction of a place. While there is great joy, there is pain here too. Here is the reality that wherever I am, from this point on, here will never contain all the people I love, all the places I want to be in. Here is lonely sometimes, but I know I am never alone.
Here can be stressful, but here is rewarding. There are new friendships and new interests to be pursued here. Here is often sleep-deprived, because there is often too much excitement taking place to miss out on. Here is full of inspiration and overthinking and time spent running in the woods or praying by the pond.
Lately, here is cold. Right now it's raining; later tonight it will probably snow. Today here entailed sleeping in, watching a soccer game, scorekeeping for a volleyball game, seeing a play with a friend. Here is busy, here is full of life. Here is participating and planning and remembering. Here is wistful and wanting, yet satisfied and full to bursting.
Here is not the easiest place to be, but I love it all the time. Here is blessed and here is good. Here is not perfect, but here is love and peace and, maybe most importantly, hope. Because here isn't always where I want to be, but it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.

College.

2011-08-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

I know. The title of this post lacks any and all kinds of cleverness. But it does very effectively state the topic and what's been on my mind for the past week - seeing as I moved in, participated in a ridiculous number of orientation programs, and started classes in the past eight days. It also may serve as a subtle warning that this is yet another post about what's going on in my life presently (cue the groaning and eye-rolling). And if it didn't...well...hopefully the last sentence did a better job.
I love it here. By the grace of God the transition was as smooth as a cross-country move could be. I think I was just so excited to have a bed in a definite location again after LaVida (one of the most amazing experiences of my life; possible post on that later) that it was easy to settle in. However it happened, it's been a season of new experiences and new faces and a LOT of forgetting that I need more time to walk places than I think I do.
My world has expanded, and I like it. I have a pond in my backyard; it's the greatest thing ever. I also live in a house full of teenagers and somehow it's still peaceful enough to sleep at night. Not that I've been sleeping much.
God is so good. He brought me here safely in so many ways and He's here with me now, holding my hand through the learning process. I was terrified of leaving when I was still at home; here I'm content. And constantly amazed at the reality that I see before me every day. I live in this beautiful place, with people who have already accepted me for who I am and with whom I have begun to build friendships. The Christian community is alive and well and thriving in the richest sense of the word here - in fact I am off to a nighttime worship service in about thirty seconds. I can't wait.
In terms of small blessings, my favorite things so far have been having unlimited internet, even though I shouldn't be up late enough for that to matter, and eating cookie dough with a spoon and not feeling guilty about it, and having my own milk and bananas. Walking everywhere is great too - it gives me more time to think.
So this is where I am - physically, about 40 minutes outside of Boston, and mentally/spiritually, amazed. God is good, whether I'm walking to class in the sunshine or doing homework in my dorm while a hurricane rages outside (the hurricane was seriously disappointing, by the way. At least in this area). I pray that this will be my theme throughout college, no matter what challenges I may face.

And The Results Are In...

2011-08-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

So here's what my week of (slightly unconventional) thankfulness looked like. It was harder than I expected - not because I couldn't find things to be thankful for (quite the contrary) but because I wanted to write down the same things (namely friends and photographs) over and over again.

But I tried to be original...as well as genuine. You can be the judge of how that went. I don't know if it helped in terms of slowing down time, but as I'm sitting here surrounded by suitcases and more stuff than I knew I owned, I'm fairly awestruck by how blessed I've been. I have more possessions than I could ever need and I have a family that just might miss me and friends that accept me unconditionally for who I am. I've already been on some incredible adventures and now, standing on the cusp of the biggest adventure yet, I know that I'm ready for this. And I'm so grateful for everything that's led to this moment - all the good times and the laughter and the encouragement, but also the hard times and the tears and the struggles.

Anyway. Enough soliloquizing. Without further ado...my slightly eclectic, occasionally odd, and surprisingly personal list of things that, by God's grace, I recognized as undeserved gifts this past week.

Friday
1. Lazy mornings. I woke up feeling a little bit under the weather, so I stayed in bed until I felt better in the early afternoon. It was glorious. Rest is a more important blessing than I realize most of the time.
2. The sunlight patterns on the floor. I really can't explain this one...I just really like the way the sun comes in through my blinds, in tiny patches of light.
3. Cheesecake. It's proof that God really does love mankind, I think. So delicious.
4. Smiles - and photographs to preserve them. Seeing happy people makes me happy.
5. Laughter - and video cameras to capture whole moments forever. There aren't words for the joy I feel when I'm laughing so hard that my eyes tear up with the people I love most in the whole world.
6. Thoughtful notes. I've saved most of my birthday cards over the years, because my friends always write such nice things in them.
7. The feeling of appreciation. Hence the saving of birthday cards. It's nice to be able to go back and remember that I am loved.

Saturday
1. A good night's sleep. Life is so much easier when I'm well-rested.
2. The smell of scones baking. It's such a morning kind of smell that makes me excited to get up.
3. Telling stories around the breakfast table. Good food + good friends + good conversation = the best way to start a birthday.
4. Piles of blankets and pillows. Another one of those things I can't explain. The aftermath of sleepovers is my favorite kind of mess.
5. Head-clearing drives. No music, no phone calls, just uninterrupted time to think and pray and perceive more clearly.
6. Aimless wanderings. I don't like doing nothing, but I like having nothing to do. Especially with a best friend. In Barnes and Noble.
7. Companionable silence. Sometimes silence speaks more than words ever could, and those moments are some of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had.

Sunday
1. Rain. There isn't anything I don't like about rain - it's cool and refreshing and it makes colors more visible. The ground smells good after rain, and the air feels cleaner. It's such a blessing - and I'm just thankful for it for superficial reasons.
2. Those moments when I come up over a hill and have a clear view of the sky. The clouds were amazing after the rain, and I was amazed by God's handiwork when I got to see them.
3. Sitting and listening to people talking, laughing, and enjoying life during the "shortest party of the week."
4. Powerful songs that speak to me right where I'm at.
5. Peaceful moments of observation and reflection. Especially when I happen to have my camera on hand.
6. Finally getting to sit down and breathe a sigh of relief after a stressful experience.
7. The simplicity of a child's reasoning.

Monday
1. Checkmarks that indicate completion. I appreciate them on humorous birthday cards too.
2. Quick reconciliation. Staying mad at someone is just not worth it.
3. Reassurance. It comes in many forms, but it's always a blessing - whether I realize it or not.
4. Flavor, and food that's full of it.
5. Movies that are so funny, it feels like an obligation to quote them repeatedly.
6. Spending time with people who quote said movies repeatedly.
7. Making faces at stoplights with said people.
8. Joy so overwhelming that there's no room for sadness.

Tuesday
1. sweat that means I accomplished something before noon
2. childhood memories, shared and relived
3. baking - the way individual ingredients combine to make a finished product that is more than the sum of its parts
4. family dinner, and time spent together in the kitchen
5. unexpected compliments
6. sudden inspirations
7. caminando con mi papi y hablando en espanol
8. team efforts - better together than alone
9. train whistles at night

Wednesday
1. Undeniable evidences of blessing
2. Dreams that make me think
3. My car engine starting, which is something I should be much more thankful for than I am
4. Having enough gas in my car to take the long way home
5. Promises of return - not goodbyes, just see you laters
6. Text messages that make me smile
7. Contented fullness after a delicious meal

And finally, for the last day I spent in California...
1. memories
2. amazing friends who have always been there for me
3. providence
4. grace
5. love
6. family
7. hope
8. and most of all, life.

(I posted this from the Logan Airport in Boston, by the way.)

Seven Days of Thankfulness

2011-07-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

Or, "an exercise in recognizing the often passed-over blessings in the mundane moments and occasionally unpleasant details of everyday life."

How's that for a blog post title?

My mom's reading this book called One Thousand Gifts, and I'm hoping she finishes it soon because I really want to read it before I leave. It's about learning gratitude right where you are in life, regardless of exactly where that is.

The author, Ann Voskamp, literally wrote a list of 1000 things she was thankful for. I'm hoping to do that someday too. But for now I thought I'd start with listing 5-10 things (experiences, moments, occurrences, people, objects, etc.) that I'm thankful for every day for the next week as both a way to say farewell to all the amazing evidences of grace that I'm leaving here in California, and a way to transition into my first year of college with my eyes wide open, learning to appreciate the beauty that's found in the little things.

Also, the author says that experiencing joy in individual moments slows down time, so I'm kind of hoping that doing this will help draw out my final days a little longer, so that I can have more memories to savor when I look back on this week of parting.

I can't become a significantly more thankful person in a day, so if I list things that I ordinarily would complain about, it's because God is enabling me to see that the things I consider to be challenges, burdens, or afflictions could really be blessings in disguise - either leading to a good thing or showing me that I should be thankful when I do not have to deal with those kinds of things.

That said, the first thing I'm thankful for today is:

1. the cold I'm currently battling. It's SO ANNOYING. But even in that statement, there's evidence of a blessing - it's annoying because I'm not accustomed to living with illness. In fact, I am a fairly healthy person. And I have God to thank for that. Sadly, I don't stop to do that often - I just complain when I'm sick. By His grace, however, it's different this time - and I know it must be His grace, because who usually thanks God for colds? Not me. I am today though: I am thankful for this cold because it reminds me to be thankful for all the days that I have been able to enjoy life illness-free.

2. Next, I'm thankful for the moments of peace in our household, when my brothers not only tolerate but maybe even enjoy each other's company. I like home so much better when it isn't full of anger.

3. I'm thankful for my sense of taste. I made two cheesecakes and a batch of cupcakes today for my birthday party tomorrow (and I promise I did not sneeze in the batter. Honest.) and, of course, taste-tested everything. That's pretty much the reason I bake - so that I get first dibs on everything I make, haha. But what fun would that be if it all tasted the same? Or didn't taste at all? It was so kind of God to not only give us the ability to taste, but to create an endless variety of flavors and textures for us to enjoy. Because of our tastebuds, eating isn't just essential to staying alive - it's an agreeable experience.

4. He is unbelievable incorrigible sometimes, but I still thank God for our dog, Blackjack. Today he came upstairs and found me in my room, which is something he's not supposed to do (usually he's confined to the kitchen). But I couldn't be mad at him when his tail started wagging the second he saw me and he ran over to say hello.

5. I'm so glad that God gave someone the idea to invent books. Books are my favorite. They let me go anywhere in the world - back or forward in time, even - and explore places that I will never see with my own eyes. They educate me and inspire me and instill in me a love for creation by showing me how very little I know about it. Today I'm especially thankful for this book I'm reading that I don't like at all, because instead of being aimless like the main character in this pointless story, I'm reminded that I have so much to live for and a reason - the best Reason - to be alive.

6. This one is unusual too, but it's true: I'm thankful that our dishwasher doesn't work anymore. Very few things force you to stop and think and absorb and appreciate like hand-washing a whole pile of dishes does. In fact, it was while I was doing dishes that I decided to embark on this endeavor in an effort to more fully appreciate my last week in California until I come home for Christmas in December.

That's it for now - even though there are a million other things I could add to this fairly short list, I will save them for another time. More tomorrow. :)

Stupid Mistakes, and Greater Grace

2011-07-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

I did something stupid yesterday.
Something so stupid that I would very much like to pretend it didn't happen at all. Something so stupid that I wish I could go back and fix that moment so that it didn't happen at all.
But no amount of wishing changes the truth. The truth is, a) it happened, and b) I have a lot to be thankful for.
Since the instant after I realized what I did, I've been saying to myself, "I can't believe I did that." It was difficult to register what happened, because I completely did not expect it, but it's not my confusion talking - it's my pride. I'm really saying, "I shouldn't be stupid enough to do that. I'm better than that. I should be perfect. Always."
But that is NOT true. Unfortunately I am a slow learner in this regard and it's going to take a LOT more mistakes, accidents, and failures to drive the point home for me. I am not perfect - only God is. I am not independent - I depend on the One who gave me life. I am not competent - it's only through Him that I can do anything good at all.
So I have an opportunity here. I can learn from my mistake and grow in my ability to accept my shortcomings and rely more fully on the eternally-sufficient grace of God, or I can keep beating myself up for something I cannot change.
While in my sinfulness I'm prone to choose the latter option, I can see God's grace at work in me through this occurrence already. In years past, I have reacted far more extremely to much less serious mistakes. I thank God for teaching me that it isn't the end of the world when I mess up, and overreacting doesn't help anyone in any way ever.
I also see His grace in that one of the first things to come to mind after the incident was a concept from the John Piper message used in last night's Speechless presentation: God is enough.
I don't give glory to God in every aspect of my life if He's only enough for me when life is good! In order to truly make much of Christ in my life, He has to be sufficient for me during the hard times, when accidents happen and I make terrible mistakes.
And He is enough - He is bigger than my stupidity, hallelujah! And even in the midst of regret, I found joy. My car was fine. The other car was fine. No one was hurt. No one was even mad at me except myself! No one (as far as I know) lost faith in me as a (mostly) capable driver. And that one moment did not negate the amazing time I got to spend with three of my favorite people (and one hilarious little brother, haha).
The truth is, it could have been SO MUCH WORSE. But it wasn't, and instead of dwelling on my mistake, I'm learning (too slowly, it seems at times) to be thankful for the blessings I receive even in the midst of trials. It amazes me that God has done so much work on me already, and I hope and pray that it continues to completion.
But while I remain a frail, fallible, accident-prone human, I hold on to this promise:
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)
God is enough.

Hunger

2011-07-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I like being candid when I post. I don't have much to hide anyway, but I guess blogging feels more worthwhile when it's open and honest.
That said, the following post is a slightly modified journal entry from last week's First Friday Fast. It was the first time I seriously committed to fasting on the first Friday and it's definitely something I will do again, by God's grace.

I wish my reluctance to admit it made it less true, but when I'm being honest I know that I don't strive to become more dependent on God.
I'm a perfectionist. I like being responsible, capable. Skilled in a wide variety of areas. I like independence and accomplishment. My worst fear is incompetence. I want to do everything right, my way, the first time. I want to rule my life like my own personal kingdom and keep everything in order according to my preferences and specifications.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing okay - I feel good, I'm doing well. And then my neat little facade comes crumbling down the minute I get angry, or I say something nasty, or I'm insulted, or something unexpected and inconvenient happens.
It's in those moments that I reach for grace, because I am confronted with my need in a way that makes it impossible to deny.
But the Gospel, and the grace that has been lavished on me so that I might not only accept it, but live it, is not only true in my moments of failure! It is not only relevant when I admit my incapability. It is not only powerful when I recognize my need for it.
The truth is, my need for grace is just as great in the moments when I'm standing as it is when I've fallen flat on my face. It's only by His grace that I can stand at all, but in my pride I like to think it's my strength.
I'm fasting today. There's been a dull ache in my stomach for most of the day, reminding me of my need for food.
I'm experiencing physical pain because I'm denying myself physical sustenance. For less than a day.
Do I experience spiritual pain when I'm deprived of my spiritual sustenance? Does my soul cry out in agony, like my stomach is, when its need for the Living Water goes unfulfilled for a day?
I might feel guilty, but I don't usually feel hungry. I say that He is my everything, but that claim is not always reflected in my lifestyle.
Even now, when my physical hunger is supposed to drive me to my knees as I see my need for God through my need for food, I'm just counting down the minutes to dinner, marking time until I can eat again.
Already I feel proud of myself for making it this long without consuming a single calorie. I'm tempted to commend myself when I start my day with Bible reading and prayer, and I like to think I did something right when my day goes well.
I'm terrified of college because everything familiar will be taken away from me and the only thing that will remain the same is God. But I think that might be exactly what I need - a wake-up call so eye-opening that it's shocking. I need to see how much I need God, how little I truly am capable of (it's summed up in four words: sin leading to death), how much He's given me.
I want to live in a place of humble awe and worship of who He is and what He's done in my life. May I live in wonder of the mystery of election and adoption, of the love and mercy He has inexplicably poured out on me. May I say with Charles Spurgeon, "He must have elected me for reasons unknown to me, for I could never find any reason in myself why He should have looked upon me with special love."
When I find myself in that place, may I not be tempted to congratulate myself for reaching it - because it will be all His doing with none of my help.
My prayer is that He would teach me to hunger for Him, to crave time with Him like I'm craving food right now. I want to learn to rely on Him, the true Bread of Life and the Living Water that satisfies.
Me - Jesus = nothing.
Jesus + nothing = everything.

A Story Never Written

2011-06-29T01:10:00.001-07:00

All right, so the title isn't particularly accurate. Clearly I did write the following, otherwise I wouldn't be able to post it. A better title would be "a story never posted," but I'm posting it now so that isn't true either.
Anyway. I wrote this with the intention of posting it in pieces on Facebook, but for some reason I don't think I ever finished. I found it on my iPod today and thought it was worth posting - partially because I found it convicting, even though I wrote it, and mostly because I have nothing else to post at present. But don't despair! That will change shortly!
In the meantime, without further ado...

We are the privileged.
But we don't understand it.
We compare ourselves to the wrong people.
We look at what we don't have rather than what we do have.
Maybe we don't have the new iPad, but we have clean water constantly, readily available.
Maybe we don't have the latest and greatest smart phone, but we have shoes. More than one pair, in fact.
Maybe we don't have the nicest car, or the most expensive clothes, or the fanciest computers, but we have roofs over our heads and food on our tables, three times a day.
We have everything we need and a good deal of what we want.
And still we don't understand.
There are children dying of malnourishment, disease, and neglect (among various other reasons) in dozens if not hundreds of countries around the world and we think life isn't fair because we can't get exactly what we want when we want it.
We live in an age where we can reach thousands of people with the touch of a button.
We speak the language of technology in its various dialects - phones, computers, video game systems, mp3 players, stereos, etc. - but so few of us fail to take advantage of what we have been given.
Not only do we not understand gratitude, we don't understand the impact we could have on the world and the change we could bring about. We have an opportunity staring us in the face and we are blind to it.
If we could join our voices together and fight for a common cause, we would create a roar so loud that it would resonate in every corner of the globe.
A common cause, a single goal. No matter what it is, we could accomplish it with very little effort, if only we would wake up and understand.
But we don't, because we don't understand who we are. We are the privileged, and we prefer to live our comfortable lives in oblivion.

Confessions*

2011-06-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

(*that really shouldn't be plural, because at present I only have one, but "Confession" just doesn't have the same ring to it)

There should probably be another disclaimer here about how this is another more personal, less thought-out post about what's happening currently in the oh-so-riveting life of one Emily Macadam. I would write one, but I figure that sentence does the trick equally well.

Here goes...

I don't want to graduate.

There, I said it. Oddly enough, I don't feel any release or relief or urge to jump off a building shouting, "I can fly!"

Sure, I'm excited about college. I'm thrilled with the way God orchestrated the events that were necessary to allow me to attend Gordon. I can't wait to meet new people, make new friends, experience new things, explore new places...

But at the same time, I'm quite happy with my current friends. I'm content with the familiar things. There are plenty of places I haven't explored right here in Orange County. The problem is, whether I get on board or not, change is coming faster than a runaway freight train and no drastic measure I could take to slow it down would prove effective in the slightest.

I get kinda eloquent when I'm experiencing deep emotions; can you tell?

Yesterday I went to the first of several graduation parties that I will be attending in the coming weeks. It was a time of joy and celebration, but there was an almost palpable undercurrent of sadness. Graduation is a tremendous milestone: marking not only an achievement, but the end of a chapter. It means new decisions and directions, goodbyes and hellos.

I've learned, in the past year, how much I hate goodbyes. I'm eager for the next step, for continued growth in responsibility and maturity and wisdom. But taking that step means giving up so much - even if it's only temporary.

If I'm being honest, the prospect of leaving home terrifies me as much as excites me. I'm afraid of losing my friends, of leaving for so long that they have time to fill the hole my absence might create with new friends. I'm afraid of coming home and feeling completely out of place, out of touch, out of style. Being replaced.

But I can't stay, because everyone is moving on too. If I don't get on the train, I really will be left behind. I can't stop the clock or opt to live in the past. I can only move forward, or be lost in the stampede.

So many conflicting thoughts, emotions. But when all the confusion is stripped away, the bare-bones truth is this: I can't stay a child forever. Growing up is a fact of life and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. If I accept it for what it is, knowing that God will always provide for me and never leave me or forsake me, then I will find joy even in sorrow, and a new beginning at the bittersweet close of this chapter.

Getting older sucks, but God is still good.

Days Go By...

2011-05-17T16:42:00.000-07:00

I never intended this blog to be about my life, partly because it's not interesting enough to post about on the Internet (at least, aside from Facebook) and partly because that's what journals are for.
But after a crazy couple of months, I think it's worth posting here that the trips I have been on recently have impacted me in a number of ways and I am so grateful for the opportunities I was given to go back East to visit some colleges that I was considering, to fly to Colorado by myself to see CCU, and to travel to Macedonia with my good friend Alyssa.
Probably the biggest result of these trips is my college decision - I will be attending Gordon College in Massachusetts in the fall and I am so excited!! But I also learned, through a variety of experiences, the value of friendship, family, simplicity, solitude, silence, submission, and asking. After spending three weeks in Macedonia eating delicious food, I rediscovered my desire to exercise upon returning to the States as well.
That, in a nutshell, is where I'm at and where I've been. Next on the agenda is graduating...but I'm told finals have to happen before that particular event takes place, unfortunately.
There are some MK pictures on my Facebook profile, or you can check out just a few of my favorite snapshots here.

Resolutions

2011-03-07T12:10:00.001-08:00

Well, it's a good thing my New Year's resolution didn't have to do with blogging more often, because I would have already failed miserably. Come to think of it, I don't think I had a New Year's resolution this year at all, actually.
Anyway. I've been reading this awesome book called Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life (thanks Ben :]). In chapter two there's this great quote from D.L. Moody. He states the following:
"A man can no more take in a supply of grace for the future than he can eat enough for the next six months, or take sufficient air into his lungs at one time to sustain life for a week. We must draw upon God's boundless store of grace from day to day as we need it."
Personally I find this statement quite convicting. It's not my habit to start each day by seeking grace, humbly admitting that I can't make it through on my own strength. Instead, I rely on my lacking abilities to get by, only stopping to ask for grace when I've failed - miserably - yet again.
I wonder what kind of difference it would make if I began to pray for the understanding that I have no power in and of myself to succeed in life, or even to make it through a single 24-hour period without sinning? What if I began to view grace not as something that I withdraw only when I have a debt to pay, but as something that is as readily available, but also as crucially essential to life, as air?
It's a little bit late for a New Year's resolution, but if we waited around for the new year to make changes in our lives all the time, we'd never get anything done. So this is my resolution, starting today, March 7: to begin each day with a petition for grace, understanding my need for it at all times, not just when I fail.

When People are Big and God is Small...

2010-12-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

...then you should watch these videos! Louie Giglio does a fantastic job of pointing out how creation declares the glory of God, and then bringing it down to a personal level. It really helps put things back into the right perspective. If you haven't seen this message before, I highly recommend it.

These first two are about creation, and it's pretty amazing. If you only have time for these two, it's enough to make you think. But then he switches gear...

Here are the links to the other three parts.

How great is our God.

Perspectives, or Faith and Hope and Where They Belong

2010-12-04T16:58:00.001-08:00

Today I went to a Christmas brunch at my grandma's church. A woman named Nicole Johnson spoke, and I really wish I'd taken notes or something because what she said was really powerful and anything I say won't do it justice.
First she talked about how so often she feels like she's invisible - her kids and her husband ignore her and don't appreciate all the work she's doing for her family. Then her friend gave her a book on cathedrals, and as she read it she discovered that most of the great cathedrals of England have no builder's name attached to them. Men invested their entire lives in these beautiful structures that took more than 100 years to complete, knowing that they wouldn't be remembered for their work, because they did it unto the Lord, and not unto men. Nicole went on to talk about how spending your life building a monument for yourself is a waste of time. People will never appreciate us as much as we wish they would, unless we tell them and then they express their 'gratitude' out of obligation. What's worth it is building a monument to a God who deserves to be worshipped with our lives. We may not see the monument completed in our lifetimes, but we will have invested our time and effort in something that is so much greater than ourselves.
Then she talked about the story of Jesus healing a man's shriveled hand on the Sabbath. It was mostly speculation, but there was a lot of truth in what she said. She talked about how the Pharisees may have baited Jesus with the man, egging him on and hoping they could trap Him, and how He saw their hearts and asked them a pointed question: is it lawful to do good on the Sabbath, or ignore the man and essentially do evil by refusing him help when Jesus could heal him?
Then Jesus told the man to stretch out his hand - not the good one, because he knew how to use that one and what to do with it - but the withered one, the one the man was probably trying to hide and maybe had been ridiculed for. The cause of the defect was unknown - a wound? An injury? Had it been that way from birth? It didn't matter, Jesus could heal it. But first the man had to stretch out his hand - to offer up his imperfection, to display his shame to everyone - and demonstrate his faith in Jesus' power to heal him. "This stretching," Nicole said, "separates fear from faith...hurt from hope...shame from trust."
The man stretched out his hand and was healed, and the wounded went away whole and unashamed. The Pharisees, on the other hand, full of their whitewashed selves and convinced of their righteousness, were left with their shriveled hearts and their wounded pride. Why were their hearts withered and cold? Had they been wounded? Injured? Jesus could have healed them, but their pride stood in the way.
Nicole went on to apply this story to our lives. She told us about her tendency to try and control her life and everything and everyone in it. She talked about how in order to grow, we need to stretch and offer up not what's whole in our lives, but what's shriveled and useless. Often we want to hold so tightly to those areas, afraid that if we let go, everyhing will fall apart. "And you're probably right," Nicole said. "But it may be the best thing that's ever happened to you."
It reminded me of that week in youth group when Mark Driscoll talked about the different views of Jesus, particularly the one that says that Jesus isn't king enough to rule over every area of our lives. Until we learn to let go of everything and trust that His hands are more than big enough to hold it all for us, we'll be fighting Him for control every step of our journey.
As temporary residents of a physical world, it's tempting to place our hope in things or people - which are all 'appearances' that will fade away. Reality - the truth of the Gospel and the promise of heaven - are where we should place our hope. Nicole summed it up better than I could: "I tell God, 'please take my hope and put it way up high, so I can't reach it, because I know if I hold onto it I'll put it in the wrong places.'"

Trains

2010-12-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

The other day, I was thinking about color - how many different colors and shades of colors there are, how different colors evoke different moods and memories, and how nice it is that we don't live in a black and white world. How boring would that be??
But even though the range of colors that humans have recreated is astounding, how many more colors is God capable of creating? I bet the number is somewhere pretty close to infinity. If you hold up any number of leaves from different plants next to each other, I bet you couldn't find any two that were exactly the same shade of green. The sky's blue isn't the same every day. The number of different colors on flowers and animals is probably near uncountable. Why would God bother to paint our world in such wondrous hues? He could have left it black and white. Seems pretty clear to me that it's an expression of His love for us - and also evidence of His glory and praiseworthiness.
Thinking about color led me to think about eyes, how we perceive color, and how I would venture to guess that no two sets of irises are exactly alike. Eye color is amazing - it's no wonder eyes are fascinating when everyone's are different. Then there's the function of the eyeball. Our pupils widen and contract involuntarily depending on the amount of light they take in. We've all heard this a million times, but if you stop and think about it - it's incredible! Most of us don't understand much about a camera, except that it has a lens and it takes pictures. But even cameras, with all their high-tech settings and program capabilities, can't match the superior design of the eye. While the camera lens position has to be manually adjusted to zoom in or out and focus, the eye lens not only does this automatically, it does it by adjusting the SIZE of the lens.
I don't know about you, but I think that's really cool. And that's not even considering the fact that we see things UPSIDE DOWN, and then our brain takes the images that we're streaming to it for about 16 hours straight every day, and flips them around so fast that we never see anything upside down.
I have a question. How does anyone in their right minds possibly believe in evolution? How can matter that came from who knows where create life that has the capability to evolve into the complex, rational being that man is today? Man is more intelligent than matter, and still no one has been able to prove or figure out how this is possible. I respect people who are evolutionists, especially those who have well-reasoned arguments, but I don't understand.
This is not what I planned to blog on today, but it's probably better than whatever it was I thought I was going to say. I love trains of thought like this - they lead me to a deeper appreciation for God's creation and a deeper sense of humility as I realize, by His grace, that there is no way that I deserve to be loved by a God this great.
All glory, honor, power, and adoration be unto Him forever and ever!!

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:13&14

Comic Relief Take 2, Part 2

2010-11-15T19:52:00.001-08:00

Parts 2 and 3 of my failure of a storyboard...I imagine they will take some explaining, but I'll let you try and figure it out first. Haha.

Repetition

2010-11-15T19:44:00.001-08:00

(or, another scatterbrained attempt to convey how amazed by the Gospel I am - by God's grace, of course.)

In our culture today, it's all about the newest, best thing. Music artists are constantly putting out new catchier music. Movie producers are always releasing new edgier, scarier movies. Cell phone companies are competing to create the new fastest, slimmest, most poweful phone.
Why the constant change? I think it's because consumers get bored. We live in an age of ADD. If things aren't easy to understand or exciting enough to hold our attention, forget it. And when you see the same movie more than twice, read the same book more than once, use the same phone for more than six months, or listen to the same song more than three times, it starts becoming unbearably repetitive. Like a joke you already know the punch line of - predictable and totally anticlimactic. Consumers need something new to amaze them, shock them, repulse them, terrify them, enthrall them, or immerse them so that they keep buying into new things. There always has to be something better so that it can break through the ever-toughening shell of desensitization and boredom in order to interest us in itself.
But does the short attention span of our society apply in the Christian realm too? In my personal experience it does. If you hear a story told the exact same way enough times, it gets boring. It ceases to impact you or elicit any sort of response. "Preach the gospel to yourself daily" sounds like a good idea in theory, but after a while, when it becomes a simple, emotionless "Jesus died to save me," there isn't a whole lot of power in it. Which isn't the gospel's fault, but
mine. (Yeah, I'm talking about me now.)
Thankfully, unlike the culture, which seems to be running out of ideas, God is never at a loss for ways to bring us back to the cross and reconvict our hearts of the magnitude of the sacrifice it represents. I think that's one of the reasons there are so many books of the Bible that contain the Gospel, or at least references to it or prophesies about it - so we don't hear the exact same thing over and over again. Then there's music that contains the gospel message, different pastors who each present it in a different way, and people in our lives who have different (and often better) views on various areas of life than we do.
When I was stuck in a rut in terms of my appreciation for the gospel, God brought me back to a place of awe through worship, messages, and meaningful conversations with people.
But perhaps the main reason that the gospel never stays uninteresting long enough for the Christian belief system to die off is that by God's grace we are continuously changing! When you watch a movie, no matter how many times you watch the end, it will always be the same. But the ending of the lives of those who are saved already changed - we who were once condemned to death have now been brought back to life! While Christ's death is a finished work, the work that begins in our lives when we believe in Him never finishes this side of heaven. We can't stop being impacted by the gospel because the Holy Spirit will continue to change us as long as we allow Him to - not into people who are more calloused and immune to the message of redemption,
but into people who are more open and receptive to it.
All this ridiculously long confusing rambly post is to say, the gospel is and always will be way better than anything this culture has to offer. Even when it seems like we've grown bored of it, God is not so limited in His resources that He can't make it come alive to us again, even more vividly than before. I have experienced His grace in this way personally, and I am grateful beyond words that He cares enough to humble me and lead me back to a place of surrender time and again.
The end.

Comic Relief Take 2

2010-10-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

Well, after the intense profundity of my last post, I needed to take a break from strenuous thinking.

That was a joke.

But I'm going to post something ridiculous anyway.

The pictures aren't the funny part, because the story is rather absurd. The comical part is the drawings themselves, and their clear representation of my total lack of artistic ability. I had to draw (or attempt, rather) a storyboard of 8 frames or more (I drew 12; these are only the first 4) for the story we just finished reading as an assignment for British Literature.

So, here.

Guess I've drawn severed heads now too...sort of.

Just a Thought

2010-10-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

There are no "good" liars, only bad ones.

"Jesus said to him, 'Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.'" - Mark 10:18

Be All There

2010-09-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
-Jim Elliot

Lately it's been hard for me to be content with where I'm at. This has a lot to do with Heather and Whitney leaving this past week. It's much easier to wish that things were different than it is to trust that God has me right where I'm supposed to be. It's my natural inclination to grumble and ask Him why, when really I should be thankful for the incredible blessings He has so graciously showered on me.
This quote is a good reminder to be 100% focused on the tasks at hand when they are at hand. If we're always looking ahead to the next thing, we'll miss the joy that's found in living in every moment God has given us. If we don't stop to appreciate the present, then the future will never be good enough either. We'll take for granted so many blessings that are right in front of our faces. We'll get so caught up in not wasting time, in always moving forward, that all we'll do is waste our time. That's not a good place to be living in.
I pray that God will continually help me to treasure every day and understand that it is another opportunity that I did not earn to live, laugh, and spend time with those I love.

How Marvelous

2010-07-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

We are nothing.

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, the son of man that You care for him?
-Psalm 8:3&4

Show me, o Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before You. Each man's life is but a breath.
-Psalm 39:4&5

All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass.
-Isaiah 40:6&7

Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales...Before Him all the nations are regarded as nothing; they are regarded by Him as worthless and less than nothing.
-Isaiah 40:15&17

He is everything.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
-Genesis 1:1&2

He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and it's people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than He blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. "To whom will you compare Me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. "Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."
-Isaiah 40:22-26

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."
-Isaiah 55:8&9

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen.
-Romans 11:33-36

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.
-2 Peter 3:8

And yet He cares for us.

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am tearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
-Psalm 139:13-16

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
-Matthew 10:29-31

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:7&8

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.
-1 Peter 2:9

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
-1 Peter 5:7

How great is our God.

Gratitude - or a Distinct Lack Thereof

2010-07-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

Today, I was asking God for something yet again when suddenly I was stopped in my tracks. It occurred - or was revealed - to me that I'm so quick to ask for things I don't have, and to complain about the things I don't get. But how often do I take a minute to stop and be thankful - outside of church?
The answer's embarrassing. I rarely do that.
It got me thinking about everything I have to be thankful for, and how too often it takes something bad happening for me to be able to see all the good things that have happened. And even more often, I get so hung up on the bad that I completely ignore the good.
This afternoon, for instance. I wanted to drive my dad's car to someone's house, but it had instruments in it and he decided it would be best if he drove it home so the instruments didn't sit in the car in the sun. I was annoyed by this, as I so often am when I don't get what I want. Did I bother to think about yesterday, when I got to drive his car to Costa Mesa and back? Definitely not.
How bout the time the van wouldn't start, and I couldn't go to stables that morning? Did I think about all the times the car has worked fine and I've gotten to stables and home safely, without a problem? Nope.
Or the day my rollerblade got a rock stuck in it, and I had to walk home - did I remember all the hours I've logged on my rollerblades and they haven't gotten anything stuck in them, even though I've skated over pebbles and berries and leaves galore? Not for a second.
When I have an argument with a friend, do I thank God for all the good times we've had and all the memories we've made? Never crosses my mind.
When the weather's cruddy, do I think of all the beautiful days God has blessed me and everyone else in the area with? No way. I just complain about whatever it is - the heat, the wind, the cold.
The list goes on. And on. And on. My natural tendency is to ask for either something different than what I've been given, or for something I don't have. When I don't get what I want, I complain. Contentment isn't really in my vocabulary. Dissatisfaction certainly is. I am a complainer by nature. Nothing is good enough for me.
And yet... everything I have is something I don't deserve. The only thing I do deserve is eternal separation from God. I don't even deserve to know the difference between a good day and a bad day. I only deserve to know endless, miserable, agonizingly torturous days on end. FOREVER.
How do I forget that so easily? I never should have experienced anything good. I only should experience things that are infinitely, unfathomably worse than anything I've ever experienced. Even on the worst day imaginable, I am still blessed beyond belief.
I shouldn't know what a really sweet, ripe mango tastes like. I shouldn't know how good a cucumber tastes. I shouldn't know how majestic mountains and rivers and valleys and lakes and trees are. I shouldn't know what it feels like to accomplish something. I shouldn't know the feeling of joy, or hope, or peace. I shouldn't know what a hug from a good friend feels like. I shouldn't understand laughter or happiness or even grief. I shouldn't know what it feels like to be loved - to know I'm loved.
But I do. Because He loves me.
And still I get angry and upset when trivial things don't go my way. It's...sickening.
Change my heart, oh God. Open my eyes to Yours wonders anew, and enable me to see everything You've given to me that I could never deserve - even in the midst of difficult times. Help me to remember all the good times and things that I never should have experienced the next time I face a minor setback or inconvenience. Nothing in this life can possibly be as bad as the fate I should have known - and nothing in this life is as good as the future I know I have in Christ.
To Him be all thanks and praise.

Humility and Greatness

2010-07-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

"I believe in the doctrine of election, because I am quite certain that, if God had not chosen me, I should never have chosen Him; and I am sure He chose me before I was born, or else He never would have chosen me afterwards; and He must have elected me for reasons unknown to me, for I never could find any reason in myself why He should have looked upon me with special love." -Charles Spurgeon

I've heard several meaningful quotes this week, but this one really stuck out. Not only is it a humble admission that man can't earn his own salvation, it came from a prominent pastor of the nineteenth century - one who preached to about 10,000,000 people in his lifetime and who is remembered as the "Prince of Preachers." If anyone could be called a good person, it was Charles Spurgeon. If anyone could justify pride in himself and his achievements to another man, it was he. And yet, he understood that even his greatest good work was nothing but filthy rags before the unfathomable holiness of God. He impacted the world and he remained humble, living out the truth he believed - that he was nothing without God.
And somehow I, Emily Macadam, an absolute unknown with no claim to greatness or fame, struggle with humility. As if I had any reason to be proud of myself and my insignificant accomplishments. Oh that God would continue to change my heart and conform me to the image of His Son, in order to glorify Himself in my life. I am nothing. He is everything. I did not save myself. There is nothing in me with which I could possibly commend myself to God. If I love Him, He must have chosen me, for I never would have chosen Him of my own accord. I pray that this truth would be more deeply impressed upon my heart daily and that, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I would live in a manner that indicates my belief in said truth, for His glory alone.

More Thoughts

2010-07-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

I'm working on more conference post(s) but I was struck today with this train of thought, not unlike my previous one a while back.

How many times a day do I miss an opportunity to bless someone, be it with a simple smile or "hello" or compliment or encouragement? I come in contact with people every day, even if it's just my family. How often do I impact people negatively instead of positively, attacking instead of defending, criticizing when I should be uplifting? It's my natural tendency to be sarcastic and mean. It's much harder to be loving and supportive.

I think sometimes that I go out of my way NOT to say hello and ask someone how they're doing. It's a simple gesture but who knows what difference it could make if I did it, instead of just passing by? How many people would see the light of Christ in my life if only I was a friendlier person?

Not that I'm some great benefactress who would be loved and respected if only I bothered to recognize those below me. Of course not. What I am is a child of the Living God who is loved much more than I could ever imagine and certainly ever deserve, and I should extend love to those around me out of the abundance that I have been given rather than ignore them, as if I am above them, which I am most definitely not.

I pray that God would continue to soften my heart not only to Him but also to the people He has placed in my life, that He would give me His eyes to see them as He does, precious in His sight and just as in need of encouragement as I am.

Behold our God

2010-07-05T17:56:00.000-07:00

So I just got home from Together 2010 literally like ten minutes ago, and I'm still reeling...in the best way possible. Over the course of the past two and a half days I have spent over ten hours worshiping and listening to sessions on the greatness of God. It's evidence of God's grace right there that not only was I not opposed to sitting for that many hours, I WANTED to. Now it's a little hard to come back down to earth and come to grips with reality again. At the moment everything seems so...insignificant. All I want to do is worship. But for some reason it seems harder to do that on my own than in a room full of what, like eight hundred people? All raising their voices together to create what might possibly be one of the most beautiful sounds on earth. It's hard too to translate the principles and truths Dr. Ware taught on during the sessions into everyday life. It's easier to digest deep spiritual truths in an almost ethereal setting like the conference, where a body of believers from multiple churches and more than one state has come together to fellowship. It's harder when I get home and I have chores and mundane daily tasks and siblings to deal with. But God is the same God now as He was while I was in San Diego. He is still mercifully holy, self-sufficient, indescribably loving, and sovereign over all. And I can worship Him regardless of where I am. That in itself is amazing. I can worship - I can approach the King of kings and Lord of lords in my lowly state of less than nothingness. I can bring my requests and petitions before Him and He will ALWAYS extend His scepter to me, and never condemn me for daring to enter into His presence. He is always with me - us - and we have a promised inheritance as sons of God. And I - we - did absolutely NOTHING to deserve any of the blessings He has so lavishly showered upon us. It's tempting to think that I'm something sometimes, but just the briefest glimpse at my heart reveals how deeply sinful - how absolutely, utterly wretched I am and I see, not even to the fullest extent but at least somewhat, how very little I have to commend myself. I have nothing, in fact. And yet I have been CALLED. I have been CHOSEN. I was PREDESTINED to be a child of God, to be welcomed into the Most High's family as a daughter of the living God! How spectacular is that? I did nothing and I have gained everything. Where's the justice in that? Especially considering that God's only Son Jesus took all the wrath that I deserved and absorbed it in Himself so that I might have life. And have it to the fullest. How is it that this becomes so commonplace and trivial so easily? It's...tragic. I know that I lose my admiration and wonder for this, the greatest of all love stories, far too quickly. I need to be reminded so often - like every five minutes - and this conference was a powerful reminder that I pray will have a long-term impact on me.
There's so much more I could and want to say, and maybe I will eventually, but this is turning into a scatterbrained novel so I'm going to stop now. After this.

I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave

I had no hope that You would own a rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cross
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God's love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

Hallelujah!
All I have is Christ
Hallelujah!
Jesus is my life

Now Lord I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could NEVER come from me

Oh Father use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You

Hallelujah!
All I have is Christ
Hallelujah!
Jesus IS MY LIFE.

PS: I still need better adjectives...but when it comes to God, no human terms, regardless of language, will ever be sufficient. I don't know if that's supposed to be an excuse or what but I wanted to say it. I'm really done now.

- Posted from my iPod :)

I'm Not Graceful, But My Life is Grace-Full

2010-06-10T14:40:00.000-07:00

"Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery. But today is God's gift - that's why it's called the present."
Every day is a precious gift. Every moment spent alive enjoying God's creation is one we don't deserve. Every second is evidence of God's abundant grace and mercy. Somehow, it's so easy to forget that, especially when the going gets tough. But these past few days have been especially full of little but tangible reminders of how very, very great God's love is for me, in spite of my attitude or behavior. It's difficult to put into words, I'm so amazed by it. It's so humbling that He still bothers to allow good things to happen in my life even while I'm in a bad mood or feeling angry or selfish or prideful or stressed. If I wasn't a Christian, I might start thinking that I must be something special, since the things I hope for keep happening. But because I am a Christian, I understand - even though I often forget - that I did and can do absolutely nothing to merit this grace, love and mercy. It seems so backwards, but the realization that I am incredibly in debt is a peace-bringing realization. And I needed peace this week.
I am so incredibly blessed beyond words. Not just these past couple of days, but every single day, hour, minute, second of my life. And all two of you (or is it just one now?) who read my blog have been a part of this recent shower of grace. So thank you.
That's all. :)

In The Land of the Deep But Not Profound

2010-05-12T23:14:00.001-07:00

I found this poem today. I wrote it almost two years ago on my school's Surrendering camping trip while waiting to go for a hike. It's not very original, and it doesn't make much sense but that's kind of the point I think.
I got the idea from a game (called, as I'm sure you could have guessed, The Land of the Deep But Not Profound) that the seniors were taunting the freshmen with. It didn't last very long though, because it's pretty easy to figure out, as I'm sure you'll see.

In the land of the deep but not profound
There are giggles and sniffles but no sound.
Trees have no branches,
Breezes ruffle no leaves
There are beginnings but no ends
And you can't laugh but you can sneeze.
Feet without legs
Teeth without tongues
You may think you're puzzled now
But I have just begun.
Dollars and pennies, but no quarters or dimes
Milleniums and milliseconds, and yet there is no time.
Millions and billions, but no hundredths or tenths
Books with no libraries, and common without sense.
Letters and addresses, but no pens or stamps
Butterflies and beetles, but no spiders or ants.
Happiness without fun
Sadness without grief
There is a moon, without a sun,
And grass but not a leaf.
Things are not quite as they seem
When there is coffee without any beans.
Feet with no inches, miles, or yards
Millimeters without centimeters
Speed without cards.
There is full but no empty
All but not most
Eggs without bacon
Butter without toast.
Weeks without days, months, or years
School with no teachers
Terror without fears
Pillows and sleep without dreams or beds
All of this stuff is boggling my head.
It's odd, but mysteries do not abound
In the land of the deep but not profound.

- Posted from my iPod :)

He died for ME

2010-03-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been reading through my old journals. Unlike some people I could mention, I don't happen to think keeping a journal is wimpy. =P Actually, it's been really helpful to go back and see where I was at spiritually at different times in my life (I've been journaling somewhat consistently for four years) and be able to recognize which areas I've grown in and which areas still need a lot of work.
One of the biggest, frequently recurring issues was pride. I know I'm not alone in this particular struggle, but it was still difficult to read my own words and realize just how full of myself I truly was. And am. Not much has changed in that regard, unfortunately.
I can't make excuses for it, and I know that. Very well. But it is true that in today's culture, it's extremely easy to get lost in yourself. We're bombarded from every direction with messages that tell us we're special, we're unique, we deserve to be noticed and loved and appreciated and so on and so forth.
And when I say every direction, I do mean every direction. Even in the Christian world.
Take, for instance, the popular song "Above All."

"Like a rose, trampled on the ground,
You took the fall,
And thought of ME
Above all"
So...I was so special that Jesus thought of me above everything else when He died? That's what it sounds like. (The funny thing is that anyone who hears or sings this would get the same message, which means that He thought of everyone above everyone else and that just gets confusing. Anyway.)
Then you hear people say that if there were only one person who would be saved as a result of Jesus' death, He still would have died. So, even if I was that one person, Jesus would have died just for me! Wow, I feel special. I must be something great.
But no.
Jesus died for the sins of the world. Because we couldn't save ourselves He did it for us. We were poor and helpless, trapped in our sinful human nature. We were hopeless. He didn't die for us because we did anything to deserve it. He died for us because He loved us. Because He was (and is) so great that He cared about us little vapors, us blades of grass that are here today and gone before tomorrow, and He wanted to call us His own.
Jesus died because the magnitude of the sins of the world demanded sacrifice. A pure, holy sacrifice unlike any a human could possibly ever produce.
If I was the only person who would have been saved as a result of His sacrifice, and He still died for me, that means my sins - just mine - were enough to crack that whip across His back, put that crown of thorns upon His head, mock Him, scorn Him, beat Him, and ultimately nail Him to the cross. That means my sins alone are too great for me to ever make up for. So great that NOTHING I could do EVER could possibly make me any better, any closer to being holy and saving myself. That means my sins are enough to kill Jesus, the Spotless Lamb of God.
Suddenly, I don't feel so prideful anymore.

How Great is Our God

2010-03-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

Today at lunch, some friends, my English teacher, and I were talking about vegetables. Yes, vegetables. Or, more specifically, how they don't ripen once they've been picked. "But tomatoes do," someone said, and someone replied that tomatoes are really classified as fruits. And fruits ripen after they've been picked. Someone mentioned cucumbers as an example of vegetables that ripen. But cucumbers are in the melon family, which means they're really fruits. (No wonder I like them so much.) Then what is a pumpkin? Are squash classified as fruits? What about beans? And peas?
Bear with me, there is a point in all of this.
If biologists had to create such a complex system for classifying fruits and vegetables, one that still isn't perfect and doesn't neatly sort everything into tidy little categories - if we can't even fit "edible vegetation" into a nice little box that makes total sense to any average Joe, what does that tell us about God? If we can't sort animals into an organized, structured, faultless system, because some mammals lay eggs instead of giving birth to live young, and some animals live where it isn't supposed to be possible for their phylum or class to live, and some recently discovered animals don't seem to fit anywhere, how much more creative must God be than we can imagine?
I mean, we're still discovering animals on the bottom of the ocean, and in remote corners of the world, that don't seem to us to serve any purpose whatsoever. I'd venture to guess, though, that they have a very unique purpose that it'll take us ages to come up with. That or God just enjoys keeping us guessing. We'll probably be discovering new animal species until the day the world ends, and since we never knew about them, who knows? Maybe God just created those animals for His own pleasure. That's certainly purpose enough.
We were given dominion over animals and plant life, and we still don't completely understand them. How, then, can we ever hope to wrap our minds completely around things like the mystery of the cross and predestination and free will and grace and imminence and transcendence and God in three persons?
I have nothing against those who search out answers to these questions in the Bible, because they're so much wiser than I am. But for my part, it seems the greater my factual biblical knowledge gets, the smaller God seems. When all I'm looking for is head knowledge, I stop focusing so much on the personal relationship side. And for that reason, I prefer to leave the debating to those who know so much more than I ever will and just marvel. Our God is so much bigger than anything I could ever imagine and even though I love having all the answers, I am learning to be content in knowing that He knows and I don't. Besides, if I could fit Him in a box, what kind of God would that make Him? Not one worth worshipping forever, that's for sure. Not one who could hold the universe in the palm of His hand and yet care enough about the inhabitants of earth to send His only Son to die for them. That He is so big, so great, so loving, is truly a mystery and I hope I will never lose the wonder, and never cease to glory in who He is, as revealed to us in the Bible, and what He has done for us - neither of which I will fully understand while I remain on this earth. And maybe not even in heaven - who knows?

*It's not like I'm anywhere near perfect, or like I have all the answers. Anyone who's so much as met me knows that. I'm not judging anyone for delving deep into incomprehensible mysteries. I imagine it's really edifying and spiritually strengthening to do so. It's just that personally I would struggle with gaining a lot of head knowledge in areas like that because I like having all the answers, so to step back and be content to let God know everything and me know...well, nothing really, is hard for me. But it's really reassuring that He is so much bigger than me. I love that - that no one ever truly will understand the mysteries of God in this lifetime. It reminds me that He is more than capable of taking care of me and all my worries. That's all. :)

New Year's

2010-01-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

All these holidays. I want to post a lot of other stuff but since they're here and then gone for another year I figure I'd better post what I want to say about holidays now and save my other ideas for when I don't have anything better to write about.
We're four days into a new year. A new decade, depending on who you ask. And New Year's always comes with a ton of hype about resolutions and fresh starts and all that good stuff. There happened to be a blue moon on the night of December 31st, 2009/early morning of January 1st, 2010, which according to some astrologist on yahoo.com, gives people more power to fulfill their resolutions and stay on course and be positive about their progress. I don't want to know what was in her coffee the morning she was interviewed. But regardless of moons, the beginning of a new year does seem to be a good time to set goals and decide what changes to make in the coming year. A clean slate, a new day with no mistakes in it.
So in the spirit of the new year, here's my resolution.

I was gonna spell it out
In detail but
I dropped the call
Before I spilled my guts
The floor stayed clean
Like my conscience would be
'Cause if you heard anything
You didn't hear it from me

I'm sweeping up the seconds
That tick off the clock
Save them up for later
When I'm too ticked to talk
And I need some time
To search my mind
To locate the words
That seem so hard to find

And sometimes I say things that
I wish that I could take back
The most crucial thing I lack is the thing called "tact"
And if you're always so intently listening
Then the smartest thing to say
Is to tell myself not to say a thing

Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
To bit my tongue

I said I'm always close-minded
With an open mouth
And the worst of me
Seems to come right out
But I've never broken bones
With a stone or a stick
But I've conjured up a phrase
That can cut to the quick

And sometimes I say things that
I wish that I could take back
And the smartest thing to say
Is to tell myself to keep

Quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet
Listen to Your voice
Because the power of Your words
Can repair all that I destroyed

And when I finally do
Let it come from You
The peace of understanding grips my soul
You're the reason I
Found meaning in this life
So I'll swallow all my pride
And give You control
I give it to You

And I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
I gotta keep quiet quiet
Listen to Your voice
Because the power of Your words
Can repair all that I destroyed
And I gotta keep quiet quiet
Don't let it all come undone
'Cause if I dare open my mouth
It'll just be to bite my tongue
Bite my tongue

-"Bite My Tongue," Relient K

(side note: this is post number 20, for anyone who cares. that's something of a milestone for a negligent blogger, I think :P)

- Posted from my iPod :)

Thoughts

2009-12-06T13:16:00.000-08:00

If everyone could read everyone else's minds, we'd probably all try to be a lot more careful with our thoughts lest we think anything offensive or embarrassing or that we would later regret for any reason. And yet, God knows every thought before we think it, but do we really try to 'keep our thoughts clean' and take them captive so that we won't regret thinking something God wouldn't approve of? Or because He won't ever hate us, do we just not care?

- Posted from my iPod :)

Thanksgiving

2009-12-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

I know, it's a little backwards. A post on Christmas carols and then a post on Thanksgiving? I must be dyslexic or something. Haha just kidding. No that was not a dyslexic joke Holly. Really.
Anyway.
My cousin and I both noted that aside from the abundant supply of holiday-specific food and the (not so rare) gathering of family members, last Thursday really didn't feel much like Thanksgiving. Maybe it was because we didn't go around the table listing things we were thankful for like we have done in years past. Maybe that observation is a commentary on the state of our hearts. Who knows?
Then on Sunday, I had an unfortunate incident with a kitchen knife and a cantaloupe and came home from the emergency room four and a half hours later with 6 stitches in my left index finger and 7 in my left thumb. Everything that involves using two hands, or more specifically, two thumbs and index fingers, currently takes about four times as long as it normally would. Like typing, for instance.
I'm supposed to keep my hand above my heart when I think about it, so I've been walking around my house with one hand raised like I'm worshipping.
And it was while I was doing that that it hit me.
It's so obvious. I've heard it before. But I still need constant reminders, and this was a powerful one.
Regardless of my circumstances, I SHOULD be worshipping. Every day. I don't need to be in church to lift my hands and praise the God who gave me life and breath and salvation through His Son.
Regardless of my circumstances, I should be thanking Him who gave me so much more than I could ask or imagine or even deserve. It shouldn't take a day called "Thanksgiving" for me to give thanks. Even when I'm in pain, or stressed, or tired of waiting, I need to remember that all I could ever earn is death. That I'm alive to feel those sensations or emotions is huge, and I shouldn't ever take that for granted. But I do, all the time. *hangs head in shame*
The Spanish term for Thanksgiving is "el dia de accion de gracias." The day of the action of thanks. But I don't think we should wait for a single day, once a year, to be thankful. We should be thankful every day. For every thing. Right now I am especially thankful for my eight whole fingers. And my working legs and eyes and ears and heart and my family and house and school and friends and...yeah. And when I get to use my thumb and index finger normally again, I'm going to try really hard not to forget how awful it was when I couldn't use them. And I hope to never stop being thankful, regardless of my hardships and trials. Because no matter what, in life or in death (cuz when I die I get to go to heaven, courtesy of Jesus =]) I will always be doing far better than I deserve. And that's something to be thankful for.
James 1:2&3: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
Colossians 2:6&7: "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."
Psalm 100:3-5: "Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."
(Interesting fact: the word "thank" appears at least 144 times in the Bible. "Thanks" appears at least 110 times in the Bible, and "thanksgiving" appears at least 32 times.)

What's the deal with Christmas carols?

2009-11-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

My mom officially broke out the Christmas music today, even though I told her it was too early. I was listening to some random Starbucks Christmas cd that was playing in the kitchen while I made an apple pie, trying really hard to pretend the happy, repetitive songs weren't actually Christmas songs. Yeah, that didn't work so well.
So I gave up trying to ignore it and then I started thinking about the songs I was hearing. Like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Which is possibly the worst Christmas song ever.
'Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee, "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history!"'
And we wonder why our society only likes the cool, popular people. If it's okay for reindeer, it must be okay for us too!! Never mind going against the flow and being individualistic; it's all about being in the 'in' crowd. Which you aren't if you're weird. Unless you do something really awesome like guide Santa's sleigh through the fog.
And then there's the whole 'you better watch out, you better not cry' song that seems to me to be a ploy to threaten kids into submission ('he sees you when you're slepping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if youv'e been bad or good so be good for goodness sake')because Santa is stalking them. Okay, yea-- no wait, back up. Santa is a stalker?!? And this is the person every little kid believes in at one point or another? And he brings them presents and toys and candy...hang on. Isn't that a little bit like taking candy from a stranger? Which is what parents generally tell kids NOT to do? And he's purported to come down the chimney. Umm...breaking and entering much? I think Santa needs to be arrested. He's creeping me out.
And whoever decided to call him Santa anyway? That means saint in Spanish. So...shouldn't Santa be some sort of Hispanic then? And shouldn't he be saintly and non-stalkerish?
Then you have songs about magical snowmen and partridges and hippopotamuses and front teeth. These would appear to be newer songs competing against the old songs...like the ones that present the beginning of the gospel message. Hmm...I wonder why all these materialistic, ridiculous, catchy songs are being entirely overplayed while songs like 'What Child Is This?' and 'O Holy Night' are passed over. And yet at the same time so many secular artists have recorded traditional carols. Did they ever stop to think about the lyrics? Did they ever wonder why that particular baby's birth was so special? Did they consider why the song would be so enduring if it was absolutely meaningless?
All that nonsense is to say that pretty much, it seems to me that our culture absorbs the frivolous and the absurd as it appears in Christmas songs and pays attention to the materialistic messages in them, but completely ignores the deeper meaning of so many long-standing Christmas carols that declare the news of our Savior's birth. And small wonder. Not only do they not want to hear it, but notice this Christmas season: after listening to the music that will be played absolutely EVERYWHERE starting tomorrow, what gets stuck in your head more easily or frequently: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, or I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (or any in that particular category: Frosty the Snowman, Jingle Bells, all those songs about Santa, all those songs about mistletoe, all those songs about having a merry Christmas in terms of lots of stuff and self-indulgence, etc....)? I know which ones are going to be stuck on replay in my head. And they're not the ones I'd choose.

- Posted from my iPod :)

Comic Relief

2009-11-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how big the picture will show up, but I figured maybe I could get away with a less than serious post once every now and then, especially since I just posted a serious entry. Its been a very long, stressful week and I'm pretty much over being serious at the moment. I was researching the Revolutionary War on Thursday and this came up under 'images of the Revolutionary War' in my google search.

"it's like the Revolutionary War, but awesome"

What made it funnier was that my dad walked by and looked at the picture and said, "That looks like something Ben Davis would do."

Ok sure.

- Posted from my iPod :)

There is no I in team

2009-11-07T14:51:00.001-08:00

It's one of the most exhilarating feelings in the world, in my humble opinion, to accomplish something as a team. It's one thing to succeed in something on your own ( and that's a good feeling in its own right) but entirely another to achieve something that's greater than anything you could ever do, much less do well, alone. I have been privileged to experience this feeling in several different ways with different groups of people in the not-too-distant past. After not playing a team sport for five years, I honestly did forget some of the advantages and joys of being part of a team. But last year my school started a volleyball team, and it has been amazing to practice and play with a group of girls all working toward a single objective: to glorify God through sports. The first year we never really won, but this year we were 12 to 4 in the regular season and in the championship tournament we beat our toughest opponent when we most needed to and went on to play in the championship game. It was an amazingly unforgettable experience.
I've also been able to participate in the youth band twice this year, and that's been fun as well as memorable. For me there's really no self-glorification in being on a stage singing or playing - not to make me sound really humble or anything because I'm so not. But to be helping to lead people in worship of our God who is so much more powerful, awesome, glorious, and deserving of our praise than we could ever begin to imagine...that in itself is a humbling experience. Some friends of mine and I started a chapel band for school this year. We sang 'Open the Eyes of My Heart' in three different languages, and I had chills running up and down my spine. It sounded almost erethreal and it was absolutely incredible. It served as a vivid reminder that God uses not just our talents but also our weaknesses for His glory. No single person in our group was the most amazing singer, but together, we lifted up a joyous noise unto the Lord.
All this is to say that these are some of my experiences with the body of Christ in action. We are truly a motley crew, some more talented or capable than others, but together, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can achieve great things for His kingdom and His glorification here on earth. And it is both humbling and inspiring and there is quite possibly no better feeling in the world than knowing that you, in all your weakness and sin and shortcomings, are a very small but necessary, unique part of the body of believers in a very big God. In my very humble opinion.
(And to close, I'd just like to note that while there is no I in team, there is an EAM [my initials :P])

- Posted from my iPod :)

This is a Test...

2009-10-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

So I tried repeatedly to post from my iPod using Blogger in Safari. For whatever reason, it wouldn't let me select and type in the main body portion (where I'm typing now). I could enter a title and save it to drafts but that was all. I'm happy to say that I solved my problem and invisible_gurl is now mobile :) Just in case you were interested. Don't worry, a post actually worth reading (well, that's debatable, I suppose) is in the works.

- Posted from my iPod :)

Excuses Excuses

2009-10-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Probably no one has questioned my extended hiatus from posting, but I'm going to offer an explanation anyway. Say it's for posterity. Whose, I don't have any clue. But anyway...
I have not blogged because at the present time I feel in no way qualified to tell anybody anything. Or even submit my views on a given topic. Or suggest an alternative opinion on a matter to someone.
Why this is, I'm not entirely sure. I know that God has been working on my heart and showing me just how very wicked it is, and how much I need His help in every aspect of my life, so that probably has some bearing on my current state of mind. Also, I'd heard from multiple people that junior year is the most difficult, trying year of high school, but until I started this year I didn't really have a grasp on just how challenging they meant. Now I comprehend. So that might have an effect on it too - not only am I learning spiritually that I am nothing but inherent evil, I am learning intellectually that everything I know amounts to pretty much nothing.
And, given the discovered magnitude of effort and brainpower this year will take, I've been extremely busy. Not to mention that I'm playing volleyball again on top of working at stables and all the other activities that occupy my time in a given week.
So there are my reasons. I hope to blog sometime soon, bur I'm going to see about maybe posting differently - more open-ended questions and less me airing my unspoken opinions on my own private website.
Blame the PSAT for all the semi-large words I used. Or maybe it's Pride and Prejudice. Or the ridiculous amount of early American literature we've had to read (for American Literature class). I don't know. I'm done now.

Our Backwards Culture

2009-04-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

My brother has taken to saying "sick" when he thinks something is cool. This really bothers me, but until recently I couldn't really put my finger on why. "Sick" to me means unhealthy or mentally ill, but there was more to my aversion to the word in that context. And now I know why.
It seemed rather backwards to describe something cool as sick. If you heard or saw something you thought was awesome, would you say, "Wow, that's totally nauseating" or "I can't believe how mentally deranged that is"? I know I wouldn't. What it took me a while to realize is that calling something "sick" is just an indication of how backwards our entire culture is.
Think about it. I posted a while ago on how people don't care about movies or tv shows unless they're crude, edgy, violent, intense or full of sexual humor (not to mention just plain sex). Happy endings and intact marriages are thought of as cliche and predicable. It's considered cool to drink and smoke and do whatever illegal street drugs you can get your hands on. Parties, swearing, and flouting laws, rules, and authorities are in-vogue activities. Graphic and gory video games are appealing to not just older audiences, but to kids as young as 5 years old (maybe not a widespread fact, but I heard straight from my younger brother's mouth that the five year old brother of a kid on his baseball team plays Call of Duty 4). Rebellion is accepted as a normal teenage behavior because parents are overbearing and don't know anything about us, much less what's good for us, and it seems like no one rises above expectations anymore. Marriage is now a burden that just falls apart anyway, and of course there's nothing wrong with extramarital sex or sex with no marriage. Kids are raised to believe that there is no God, and that evolution is fact. This belief makes abortion (syn: murder) acceptable and depreciates life because they learn that we're all just animals anyway.
And at least one thing that all of this has in common is this: it's ALL AGAINST GOD'S NATURE. There are countless verses I could reference that support this claim, and I'll list a few. For starters, Philippians 4:8: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Very few if any of the things written above could be considered pure, lovely, or admirable, even by a vast stretch of imagination. Matthew 15:4: "For God said, 'Honor your father and mother' and 'Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.'" Ephesians 6:1: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Notice this verse doesn't say "Obey your parents, except when you know better than they do" or "Obey your parents until you're a teenager; then it's okay to be rebellious and unsubmissive." Granted, we're not always children, but we are always sons and daughters. There is never a point in time when our parents are not our elders, and even when they're not bringing us up under their rooves anymore, they are still our authorities. Hebrews 13:17 says "Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you." Proverbs 23:20-22: "Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags. Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old." Exodus 20:13 could not possibly be clearer: "You shall not murder." Hosea 4:1-3 describes Israel in a condition similar to that of our country - or even our world - today: "'There is no faithfulness, no love, no acknowledgment of God in the land. There is only cursing, lying and murder, stealing and adultery; they break all bounds, and bloodshed follows bloodshed. Because of this the land mourns, and all who live in it waste away; the beasts of the field and the birds of the air and the fish of the sea are dying.'"
So what can we do? Be lights. Abstain from ungodly behavior. As one Rebelutionary said, taking God's name in vain is more than just using it as an exclamation. It's doing or saying anything that goes against His nature! Of course, we all fail at times. But we should keep in mind the words of 1 Corinthians 10:31: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

What the World Needs

2008-09-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

"People aren't confused by the Gospel. They're confused by us. Jesus is the only way to God, but we are not the only way to Jesus. This world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie, my denomination or my translation of the Bible. They just need Jesus. We can be passionate about we believe, but we can't strap ourselves to the Gospel, 'cuz we're slowing it down. Jesus is going to save the world, but maybe, the best thing we can do, is just get out of the way." - Casting Crowns, What the World Needs

I love Casting Crowns. Their songs are powerful and they speak truth to my soul. Even this one, which tells of the world's need for a loving Father, a rescuing Savior, and a leading Spirit, is no exception. But then come this interlude, spoken in sections by teenagers. And my spirit rebels against what they say.
It's true that the world doesn't need our possessions, denominations, or interpretations. But if we just stop witnessing and decide not to obey our commands to be salt and light, how else will the world find Jesus? Yes, God is all-powerful. He could very easily save the world without any help from us. But I don't think that's His plan. Because what, then, would be the reason behind the Great Commission?
How can we be slowing the Gospel down if we are fulfilling the purpose we have been chosen for? If every single Christian on the planet suddenly stopped evangelizing, if missionaries stopped going out, if we stopped trying to invite people to church, what would happen? If we got out of the way, would the Gospel reach more people on its own, without any human interference? Are we in the way at all?
Most of these questions are rhetorical. I don't know that anyone could answer them, because we don't know what would happen if we forsook our calling. And I pray we never find out.
God calls people to be witnesses, evangelists, missionaries. Who are we to decide that it would be better if we didn't do what God has ordained for us to do? Who are we serving then? It's not the lost people of this world, to be sure.
I will be the first to admit that I'm not a very passionate evangelist. I'm slightly terrified by the thought of approaching a stranger, or even a neighbor, and sharing my faith. But the idea of ceased evangelism appalls me.
I'm more or less fixed in my viewpoints and opinions, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Beauty

2008-08-26T11:28:00.001-07:00

What is beauty? It can be defined in several ways, depending largely on context. You could call a person and a landscape beautiful, but is it the same? I don't think so.
"Beautiful" is kind of a loosely used word. As already mentioned, people and nature can be described as beautiful. But so can animals, interior decorating, food, architecture, landscaping...even technological items, such as computers or cameras or mp3 players, could be described as beautiful (although maybe only by a very techie kind of person).
When I think of beauty, I tend to think of people. And that begs the question - what makes a person beautiful? And I really can't answer that question. Beauty, to humans, is subjective.
It can also be judgmental. I know I'm not the only one who sometimes makes a decision about a person's character based on their outward appearance before even meeting them. This, I know very well, is wrong.
The only definition of beauty really worth caring about is God's. And when God looks at people, He doesn't see their outward appearance, though He knows and loves everyone just the way they are. He created them, for crying out loud, and this fact convicts me time and again. But that's kind of off-topic.
God looks at people's hearts. And if their hearts are right, in a place of humility before Him, then to Him they are beautiful.
My desires are that 1) my heart is beautiful in God's sight, and 2) He helps me not to judge people by outward, false beauty, which fades.
True beauty is all that matters. Man, insignificant, mortal man, looks at the outward appearance and draws potentially limiting and even condemning conclusions as to a person's character. God, everlasting, perfect, awesome God, looks at the heart and sees man for what he or she really is, no matter how handsome/beautiful, well dressed, and put together they may seem on the outside.

Thankfulness

2008-07-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

Thankfulness. It's not a very small word, but its length really doesn't do its meaning justice. The dictionary definition is, "feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative." Sure, that's just a few words. But they mean so much, and I know that I personally forget what it means to be thankful quite often.
We live in a country where everyone wants instant gratification. No waiting, no work, no cost. We want what we want now and we don't care about anything else. Once we get whatever object we currently have our sights set on, it doesn't seem worth it anymore. Then it's on to the next thing.
It's so easy to forget.
I talk to God frequently. But I realized recently, all I'd been talking to Him about was my problems. My never-ending, extremely frustrating problems. All the ways my life wasn't exactly how I wanted it to be. In the middle of my complaining, it hit me: God's given me so much...and all I can do is ask Him for more, for better?
I then resolved to stop complaining and try to be thankful. And I began to see little, tiny occurances in each day that could only be God working in my life, reminding me that He loves me no matter how whiny I am, that He will always give me another chance at being thankful for all He's done for me.
Yesterday, I wrote an entry on thankfulness in my journal. I just began listing anything and everything I was thankful for, and when I reached the end of the page, I could hardly stop. The more I wrote, the more things I came up with to thank God for. He's given us everything - our lives, our families, every material possession we own - and the least, the very least, we can do is stop and thank Him, and express our gratitude for the great, amazing, wonderful things He has done for us undeserving, wretched sinners.

Words

2008-07-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

Words are interesting things to think about. They are different, sometimes almost random, combinations of the twenty-six letters in the English alphabet. Each combination has a meaning attached to it. Strung together in a sentence, words mean not just what they mean individually, but, depending on their placement and the accompanying words, they can mean something else entirely.
Words are powerful. They can be used to hold everyday conversation, make a joke or comment, criticize someone or something, teach, build up, tear down, scold, and they can mean different things in different situations, given the frame of mind and current emotions of the person speaking them. Words can be used to draw people in or push them away. They can affect a person in nearly unlimited ways.
Words provide a common way to communicate, which is good. But they can do so much damage, too. Proverbs 12:18 says, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Life would be nearly impossible without languages that can be spoken and written. We would rely on symbols and movements to communicate. I couldn't be writing this entry without words. Written directions on street signs keep us safe. Books, newspapers, magazines, etc., teach, inform, and entertain us. But the most important things words do are enable us to read the Bible and allow us to witness to others. Though they can be painful sometimes, words are arguably the most valuable thing we have.

Believe in Yourself

2008-06-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

This is sort of along the same track of thought (two separate trains, one track =P) as the last post. Another one of those really popular sayings that glorifies man and implies that he is something in and of himself. Well, I apologize to those of you who believe in believing in yourself, but I am about to do my best to disprove that saying. You are allowed to stop reading, of course.
Why should we believe in ourselves? That's one of the questions that comes to my mind first when I hear this phrase. I know what I'm made of. And like I said previously, it's not pretty. What is there within us to believe in? Inner strength of some kind? No.
Sometimes, it's a lot easier for some reason to tell myself, "You can do it" than to admit I can't and pray that God would help me. Maybe because whatever I really can't do seems so insignificant, so meaningless...like solving a difficult math problem, making a shot in basketball (which I thoroughly stink at), or getting through a blog entry without wondering what the heck I think I am trying to do here. Maybe the ability really is locked away in my brain somewhere, and it's not unlocking when I need it to.
But that's a small picture. The big picture shows that God gave us all our abilities, and in all honesty, we are nothing without Him. Nothing we can believe in to get us through life. We will fail. Really, we already have failed. Even if we are successful and have good jobs and fancy cars and a big house, we fail. That's the bottom line, plain and simple. Because nothing we can do on our own will save us from ourselves, which will be the reason so many people wind up in hell. We cannot believe in ourselves to get us into heaven because we are fallen. There is NOTHING GOOD IN US. Even though we might find it in ourselves to do good things sometimes.
This is getting slightly depressing, even though it's the cold hard truth. So here's some comfort: God can save us from ourselves and cleanse us of our sins and shortcomings and lead us onto the path to heaven. All we have to do - all we CAN do - is ask and be humble enough to allow Him to change us. And why shouldn't we be humble? We have nothing to boast in, nothing to speak of. Ephesians 2:8-10 - "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Be Yourself

2008-06-09T13:16:00.001-07:00

Be yourself. That's such a common message these days. Generally the idea is that you don't want to conform to the mindset of the crowd, the majority, the popular people; to have your own identity and be okay with, or even proud about, it. And I'm not saying that is entirely a bad thing, except for the pride part. But...if you take it for face value, just read the phrase with absolutely no context, it comes across a little differently. "Be yourself." Well, personally, my self is an ugly thing. I have no pride in it. If I was to always be myself, I would be a short-tempered, merciless, sharp-tongued beast with no friends and no hope. That makes the saying sound awfully grim.
I'm NOT saying we SHOULD conform to the world. Um, no. There's kind of two different topics in that one phrase. I'm addressing the fact that in and of ourselves, we are hopeless. We have our talents and abilities that makes everyone unique. And we should hold onto those, and use them, but take no pride in them because they don't redeem our wretched selves. What I AM saying is that we need to not be ourselves, not be okay with what we are, because we are utterly sinful. We shouldn't strive to better ourselves for our own benefit either. Rather, we should be like lumps of soft clay that are pliable and formable so our Maker can use us and make us into what we should be - people whose purpose is to bring Him glory. I love Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
I hope all my ramblings are a little bit understandable and that they edify you in some way. =D

Life is Ironic...

2008-04-05T16:09:00.001-07:00

I wrote this a while back (January 6th) before I made a blog, but I'm going to post it now. It's not really edited, just my thought pounded out into a word document.

What is it about life? It's so...ironic. Whoever came up with that word should have been awarded, or something. Because that one six-letter word sums up this entire existence. It's just the way it is. Call it whatever you believe in - karma, coincidence, luck, chance - there's something going on here. Why is it that we find ourselves so often in situations that you can't think about too hard or you will get a headache because it's just not something you can figure out? I've felt that way so many times. The most common situation is when I really don't want to do something, and then I do it because I have to and I have a great time. Then I think, What if I hadn't done that? I would have missed out. But I did do it and thinking about what if's doesn't change it.
Situations like that aren't the only examples of irony in life. There are many more instances that are probably humanly impossible to explain. Some of these situations are almost (often actually, and sometimes extremely) frustrating. Recently, my friend and I snuck away from a party to her house around the corner. We stayed longer than we should have, and when we were leaving, we got "intercepted" by some friends. We stopped in at their house for a minute because they wanted to show us something. Suddenly, we had a perfect excuse for not coming back as soon as we should have, if we were to twist the truth the slightest bit. We went back to my house, confident in our "alibi." Of course, no one asked why it took us so long to get back.
In books, irony is one of the biggest magnets. We - well, I'll speak for myself - I like stories that are unpredictable, or even predicable as long as there are some unexpected events along the way. I read a book the other day in which an unpopular "urban rebel" was just trying to get through life without causing much of a scene - until one day she "accidentially" saved the life of the president and became a national hero, not to mention the teen ambassador to the UN (whatever that means). In about 2 hours, this girl's existence went from virtually unknown to celebrated nationwide. And the biggest goal she had in life was to pass German class. If this isn't irony, please tell me what is.
I'm not sure how much sense this all makes, so I'll stop now and leave you to chew on my nonsense. But I have to say this before I end: given my beliefs, I have come to the conclusion that God has a sense of humor. And I for one am glad of it.

Isn't it funny?

2008-04-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to do something when we don't have to. I can only give examples from my own life but I'm sure other people have experienced this, just not in the same ways I have. For instance, I enjoy writing stories and even essays for fun, but when I have to write a paper for school, I procrastinate and think about it with dread. When I have to write something, I'm hard pressed for ideas. But when I'm just writing in my free time, I have too many!!
No matter what the circumstance, I really never like the thought of cleaning my room. I do have some willpower though and I can make myself do it when I need to. When I don't have to do it, it can almost be fun sometimes. If I'm forced to do it, it's just another chore I despise.
Why is this? Maybe it's just me, but is my human nature so twisted and willful that I often dread tasks assigned to me that I would love if I was choosing to do them on my own? Is it rebelliousness or just lazy unwillingness? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm a flawed, sinful being and I need the help of an Almighty God.

Expectations

2008-03-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

In my fourteen years of life, I have realized that expectations and assumptions are a big part of it. As humans, we - okay, I'll speak for myself - I have a tendency to create expectations for anything and everything. Some are based on facts or the opinions of others but most are not. Unfortunately for me, having so many expectations sets me up for disappointment because it is rare that things measure up or surpass the level I set for them. So are expectations a bad thing? A lot of people who have no expectations or goals in life, at least for themselves, don't get very far. So which is better - underachieving or opening yourself up to unnecessary disappointment when things just aren't what we thought they were? Probably neither. If we could find a spot in the middle, having goals for ourselves that allow us to achieve our "full potential" but allowing things to be what they are and not always comparing of setting standards for everything, then maybe we could save ourselves from a good bit of disappointment. The problem lies in finding the balance.

Is it Good to be Desensitized?

2008-03-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

This is another "something" that I didn't come up with all that recently. I wrote this in December of last year. Again, it's not edited at all.

It's interesting and at least a little bit disturbing to see how desensitized so many people of our generation have become. If a movie isn't intense, sensual, or violent, it's not really worth watching. If a TV show isn't raw reality or a murder mystery, you can forget it. My brother was excited about watching an old English mystery show until we started it and discovered that the mystery to be solved was a case of arson - a car lit on fire. He was clearly disappointed about this, muttering things about how lame it was, not even a murder, and that Miss Marple episodes were better than that. Miss Marple is a very elderly "detective" who assists the police or Scotland Yard in solving mysteries, generally murders. But that's beside the point. Is this the level we've sunk to? Are we to the point where we are only entertained by brutal staged deaths and gritty reality shows? Even my cousin, who has watched things like 300, Gladiator, and Troy without batting an eye, remarked recently that the number of murder shows on TV was surprising, and even more so was the fact that viewers seem to like watching other people die. I can only agree with that. What's happened to us?

The First Post

2008-03-20T18:29:00.000-07:00

Hello, and welcome to my blog. This is my way of expressing my "deep thoughts" in a quiet way because I am a quiet person. I probably won't post very often because I only have thoughts worth reading every now and then, so enjoy what there is!
invisible_gurl