Hunger

I've decided that I like being candid when I post. I don't have much to hide anyway, but I guess blogging feels more worthwhile when it's open and honest.
That said, the following post is a slightly modified journal entry from last week's First Friday Fast. It was the first time I seriously committed to fasting on the first Friday and it's definitely something I will do again, by God's grace.

I wish my reluctance to admit it made it less true, but when I'm being honest I know that I don't strive to become more dependent on God.
I'm a perfectionist. I like being responsible, capable. Skilled in a wide variety of areas. I like independence and accomplishment. My worst fear is incompetence. I want to do everything right, my way, the first time. I want to rule my life like my own personal kingdom and keep everything in order according to my preferences and specifications.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing okay - I feel good, I'm doing well. And then my neat little facade comes crumbling down the minute I get angry, or I say something nasty, or I'm insulted, or something unexpected and inconvenient happens.
It's in those moments that I reach for grace, because I am confronted with my need in a way that makes it impossible to deny.
But the Gospel, and the grace that has been lavished on me so that I might not only accept it, but live it, is not only true in my moments of failure! It is not only relevant when I admit my incapability. It is not only powerful when I recognize my need for it.
The truth is, my need for grace is just as great in the moments when I'm standing as it is when I've fallen flat on my face. It's only by His grace that I can stand at all, but in my pride I like to think it's my strength.
I'm fasting today. There's been a dull ache in my stomach for most of the day, reminding me of my need for food.
I'm experiencing physical pain because I'm denying myself physical sustenance. For less than a day.
Do I experience spiritual pain when I'm deprived of my spiritual sustenance? Does my soul cry out in agony, like my stomach is, when its need for the Living Water goes unfulfilled for a day?
I might feel guilty, but I don't usually feel hungry. I say that He is my everything, but that claim is not always reflected in my lifestyle.
Even now, when my physical hunger is supposed to drive me to my knees as I see my need for God through my need for food, I'm just counting down the minutes to dinner, marking time until I can eat again.
Already I feel proud of myself for making it this long without consuming a single calorie. I'm tempted to commend myself when I start my day with Bible reading and prayer, and I like to think I did something right when my day goes well.
I'm terrified of college because everything familiar will be taken away from me and the only thing that will remain the same is God. But I think that might be exactly what I need - a wake-up call so eye-opening that it's shocking. I need to see how much I need God, how little I truly am capable of (it's summed up in four words: sin leading to death), how much He's given me.
I want to live in a place of humble awe and worship of who He is and what He's done in my life. May I live in wonder of the mystery of election and adoption, of the love and mercy He has inexplicably poured out on me. May I say with Charles Spurgeon, "He must have elected me for reasons unknown to me, for I could never find any reason in myself why He should have looked upon me with special love."
When I find myself in that place, may I not be tempted to congratulate myself for reaching it - because it will be all His doing with none of my help.
My prayer is that He would teach me to hunger for Him, to crave time with Him like I'm craving food right now. I want to learn to rely on Him, the true Bread of Life and the Living Water that satisfies.
Me - Jesus = nothing.
Jesus + nothing = everything.